OMG... the craziest things happened to me today!!! If you wish to hear my stupid stories for the day, I hope you can get comfortable because this blog is freekin massive and u wll probably sleep before u finish it, but... read on if u wish...

 

All week, I have been feeling kinda crook, not quite right in my body, and I have had a sore stiff back in the mornings. Sooo, me being the super-smart boy that I am, I thought, I know... I will fix it...  "I NEED A MASSAGE"!!!

 

I jumped off the computer in a hurry, and realised that if I hurried a little bit, I could get to McDonalds before it closes at midnight... Being soooo hungry from a long day of house hunting and undersized pastas, the thought of a nice fat Big Mac made me get ready oh so much faster. And so I was out the door and walking pretty quick, expecting a massive feast when I got to McDonalds. I was going thru the menu in my mind and trying to think what I should order and what would cost what... I finally settled on a Big Mac burger, 2 apple pies and a chocolate thickshake (or sundae), and continued on my way. I started to have flashbacks of seeing the movie documentary "super size me" and imagining myself as a huuuuge fatty man walking down the same roads in china, rushing to McDonalds before it closed... such a scary thought. :$ :S But then I also started having flashbacks of my video link from my last blog (which happens to be just yesterday) which was of Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott in "Dude, wheres my car?" and it made me laugh, and I forgot about being that huge fat man... After what seemed like fooooorever ,but was actually only about 3.5 minutes, I arrived at McDonalds front entrance at a respectable time of 11:56pm (4 minutes to spare) and stood outside. Looking in, I could see action... there was a man moving around, and someone else there also. I got excited and hurried towards the door, the only thing stopping me from my huge planned feast of McDonalds fatty finest. I confidently walked forwards, grabbed the handle with such anticipation, took a breath and stepped forward...

 

*BANG* - RIGHT INTO the door, which was locked.

 

Pulling my face from the cold metal of the entry door of McDonalds, my eyes slowly gathered focus from my violent attack by a stationary door, and they eventually settled on a chinese man who seemed to be coughing very violently. Staggering myself, while I gathered my balance and checked to see if I still had all my teeth, I used my amazing human technology to figure out what was wrong with this poor old chinese man coughing so ferociously. I could see him bent over and panting so deeply and uncontrollably but then... he lifted his right hand slowly... and started pointing at me... and then bent over for another round  of some kind of apparent asthma attack. This man was going to die if I couldnt help him, Oh My God, what can I do? I am trapped outside of McDonalds when I'm really hungry (NITEMARE!!!) AND there is a man on the inside dying, and I cant save him... :S :O   (SUUUUUUPER NITEMARE!!!!!!)

 

But then I shook my head a little in panic, and looked again... the almost dead man was now standing up and waving his left hand towards me. I didn't know what to do, but I just waited... suddenly, 3 guys came running to his help!!! OMG, he was gonna be saved, its a miracle! :D I thanked God and waited for some action. The dying man then started gesturing something kinda crazy and shaking his body hard and stuff and a weird look crossed the faces of the 3 people listening to him. The original guy suddenly stopped shaking, then all four people turned towards me, one a time, and then they ALL started pointing at me... and laughing. 

 

It was then that I realised that the dying man was not coughing nor dying at all. He was laughing because he saw me walk into the door and almost knock myself out. They were all pointing and laughing at me, slapping each other on the backs with laughter and 'doinking' themselves on the forehead with their hands explaining to me what they were laughing at. I was the joke of the hour, the day, or maybe even the year.

 

What could I do??? I was locked out of my salvation for a decent meal tonite AND from a chance to punch those 4 guys on the nose and see if they like how it feels. I did the only thing I could do. I turned around and walked away, sobbing quietly...

 

I guess its a good thing that I have found a new place to move, because I dont think I could go back to that McDonalds for a loooong time, I guarantee those 4 guys who were laughing told the WHOOOOOLE staff about what happened, and I was bound to be laughed at again and again, forever haunting McDonalds folk history until the death of McDonalds in 2026.

 

Its all true, apart from the sobbing part... *sniff sniff*

 

Aaaaaaanyway... thats not even the half of my crazy nite... I haven't had my massage yet... but I am getting to that now...

 

insert "ENTER ripple flashback" slide

 

I had been to this place before with a friend who was complaining of a bad back, but who was toooo shy to go to a massage parlour by herself. I went with her becauase I have had some massages before, no worries, no issues... so after some walking, we found this place and after sussing it a little and finally declaring it a "NON SHADY MASSAGE PARLOUR" we went inside. Friendly, pleasant and decidedly NON SHADY MASSAGE girls were my first impressions of this place and we both got settled into some massages in a hurry and without any effort.

 

insert *time-lapse-during-a-flashback" slide

 

After the massage I felt great, I was refreshed and comfortable but not without a sense of 'something wasn't quite right there' feeling... I asked my friend how she felt, and she said it was a good massage (she had the japanese and I had the chinese style of massage) and she said even though she laughed alot, hers was great and her back felt much better. I said mine was cool and the girl had some nice and funky moves, some I had never felt before and some i liked... but I also said that the girl massaged the insides of my legs waaaaay too high and made it quite, errr... uncomfortable and I was left wondering why she gave me a pretty intense ass massage. After laughing about it uncomfortably for a little while, we forgot about it and moved on...

 

Insert "EXIT ripple flashback" slide

 

And so I arrive to the massage place today, alone, a little weary from a long walk and worried that it will be a nitemare to get the massage I want (my chinese is terrible...if u DON'T know) and went thru the door. I ordered slowly but confidently the massage I wanted, and it was business as usual, no dodgey looks or shady stuff.

 

Getting into the massage it was business as usual and I was feeling very sleepy after 2 minutes of head massage and then some shoulder-arm-hand-finger massage which was also pretty standard (even tho her left hand was stronger than her right)... but then... she started on the leg massage...

 

I don't really want to go into toooo much detail of this, because it aint pretty... but after I jumped a mile during what I can only call "super-excessively high inner-leg massage" the girl stopped and grabbed a card, with chinese writing and some numbers (cash amounts) and I looked at it, and then at the girl blankly. She then used her amazing intellect, realised I'm not Chinese and that I AM just another dumb foreigner, and she read it for me...

 

But first of all, before I say this, can I just add that I was soooo impressed with my Chinese at this point, because I understood EVERYTHIHNG she said!! Yeah, wooh, I'm sooooo cool! Ahem...  aaaaanyhooo...

 

She said... Ni yao HEN shu fu amo ma? 198yuan? Which means, for all of you who DONT know, "do you want the VERY comfortable massage" *wink wink nudge nudge* and then she said, "take a shower and then the VERY comfortable massage"??? Yao ma?

 

I cleared my throat carefully... *cough cough*

 

"bu yao".

 

She did her best to convince me that it would be suuuuper comfortable and that I would be so happy about it.. but it didnt work... I just wanted my same great chinese style I got the last time I was at this place. And so with a sigh of *whatever* she went back to the normal massage I had wanted. But it was a different feeling and what WOULD have felt like a normal back rub or a leg massage felt much grosser, dirtier and less forgiving. Her actions were colder, brisker and I felt like I had just escaped something very devilishly tempting. I was proud of myself for not doing anything so stupid, and felt stronger like I could handle anything that life threw at me, no matter how tempting. As she finished my NON-SHADY-MASSAGE, I could almost feel the evil pouring off of her as I walked away...

 

Massage finished, I paid my bill (48rmb for one hour = bargain) and went home... end of story.

I don't really know why feel I should tell you of these stories I just told you. One makes me look very stupid and clumsy. The other makes me look stupid (again) and like a person who would do such things. I guess I should mention that I am not one of those guys, I have not and never will see a prostitute like that. Its horrible and so pitiful for both parties. I guess I should also mention that even tho I appear very stupid in these 2 stories, I am only very stupid SOMETIMES... not ALL the time.

 

It is a little late now, 5:22am and I really should be in bed. I didn't actually sleep at all last nite, it appears I am addicted to this blogging crap. This is my second blog in 2 days, but before that I didnt do any for 2 months, I must be soooo bored lately... OMG, this is a REEEEALLLY long blog... hahaha. I would be surprised if ANYONE even gets halfway thru it. I have changed the song, and put it on replay so u dont get tooooo bored... but also given u some funky links to new sites so u dont get toooo bored of reading all my crap.

 

Soooo... tell me what you think of my stories... am I good or bad? Stupid or not? I guess I cant say what I am, because it will always say I am the good things hahaha. :)

 

Take care everyone, keep urselves happy forever and love with ur head and ur heart in balance.

King G

ps. I put some pics of my old baby rabbit in here also, just to show you something cute after such bad stories.

 

pps. Funky link to 4 second games, its great. :) My best is 110 secs hahaha. :$ - http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic1483.htm

Well, ladies and gentlemen... guess what time it is???

 

It is time for my first update ever from China. Those of you who know me will know that I am a super duper lazy pig, and will understand WHY I havent written in this lately. But... after enough complaints and people saying "come on, I know you have done something stupid lately, tell me about it..." I decided to write it.

 

The time is now... 5:58am and i have not yet been to bed. I have been playing around on this stupid computer, writing crap, sending all sorts of mess all around my computer, and not really getting anything done. But at least I have a new song and funky counter on my space. Ooooohhhhhh yes. Those 2 things took me about 2 hours to do I think hahaha, but really should only have taken me 5 mins to do both. Terrible hahaha. But anyway, the movie I wanted to show you didnt link properly, so I have a song by James Blunt, I hope ya like it. :) Here is also the link to the video I WANTED you to see. Its kinda funny, and  stupid at the same time, and it might help you all understand shopping in china (from a westerners perspective) a little bit

better. Grrrrr... frustrating hahahhaa... anyways... here is the link, enjoy -

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fkau7U3rAI&eurl=

 

OK, so now its 6:16am, and writing that top paragrapht... just that little bit took me almost 20 minutes, but then again, I WAS playing lots of funky videos from that site, so have a search and find anything u wanna, its funky and interesting, have fun.

 

Today, I am meant to be looking at more houses because I gotta move soon. So sad, but its a fun new start also I guess. I have been trying to decide if I should live in a 2 bedroom house for about 4000rmb total (share with another person of course) or just a 1 bedroom place and live by myself. I dont know why, but lately I have this strong feeling that I just wanna live alone and not have to deal with anyone and their problems or messiness for a long time. But at the same time, I also know that I will miss someone being around alot and being able to share things like funny stories and food (and of course bills hahaha). So... I guess it will come down to whatever house i find first. I Will look for both, and whichever I find first, I will take. I just realised what a boring blog this must be... reading about the house I DONT have yet. Sigh. I have 3 days to find a new house. Nooooo pressure tho... :S grrrrrr... I hate looking for a new house, its one of my top 2 things to do. The other is finding a new job... and i gotta do that soon also. :$ Its so easy to be me sometimes... othertimes, its just painful and slow to do anything. *sigh* I should be in bed by now hahahaha...

 

Hmmmm, I guess you have noticed that I talk alot of crap at when I am rediculously tired, but wait... there is more... I ALSO talk alot of crap when I am NOT rediculously tired. Oh yes, thats right everyone... I talk crap ALL the time hahaha. Just chat with me and you will find its true. Well, I guess I really should get my ass into bed, I only have 3 hours sleep now before I gotta wake  up and start looking at houses. GRrrrrr... may I mention again that I hate looking for houses???

 

Ummmm, I don't know what to say now... just say hi when ya see me online, but its possible I wont be able to get much internet time for a little while, until I can find a new permanent home. But dont worry, if u know me, you will know where/how to find me. :) Check out my new pics too, they are all taken during these most recent May holidays (I know, I am a month late to post these, but forgive me, you should understand that I am late for EVERYTHING). There are some pretty funky pics here, and I really like most of them. You can even see my baby dog Scooby. He is such an amazingly cute dog and I love him to bits. The only bad thing is some people are scared of him because he is so big (but you shouldnt be, he is so lovely and harmless) and he eats tooooo much hahahaha... He is a big fat lazy pig, like his daddy (me *blush*) and can spend all day eating and sleeping. I know he is reading this... so my baby, Scooby... I love ya hahaha. The rest of the pics were taken at fuxing park, at my house, at a work party, and out playing basketball. Let me know which pics u like the best hahaha...

 

Just a quick word about some of the pics... most of these have a story behind them and some are just there because I thought they are funky and different and deserve sharing. If you are wondering why I have paint on my face, black fingernails, why you can see my nipples in my basketball pics or why I have a frog... ask me. It might be a long boring answer, but at least then you will answer a few questions or worries u might have hahaha.

 

Anyways... this is really it... going to bed now, nite nite all, or good day, wherever you are. Take care, be super safe and happy, and don't ever forget ur favourite buddy, Kiwi. That is me, if you didnt know... :D

 

Bye, chat soon,
Jamal.

 

ps... And kan yi kan the funky 'Mr T' link in my custom lists. He is the shizznizz and I pity the fool who would mess with a guy who carries THAT much fake jewellery.

 

pps... I know I havent really done anything stupid in this blog, but I guess the stupid thing is WRITING it now... i have a busy day, and only 2 hours sleep to get. If I was going to write a blog again tonite, it would say... "today I did a stupid thing, I stayed up AAALLLLLL nite long, writing crap..."